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User talk:SarcasticDragon
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Inferni Venatores: Initiate page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! SoPretentious (talk) 03:33, May 29, 2016 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:43, May 29, 2016 (UTC) Re: Story Besides the punctuation (punctuation missing from a number of sentences. "Most dangerous creatures fall in this category, and can be killed by normal means if necessary(.)", "Extremely dangerous and deadly, cannot be killed without military grade weaponry(.)", "Extremely malicious and murderous, and very powerful, are nearly impossible to kill, but it can be done", etc.) and capitalization (words improperly capitalized. "After they excitedly cut the thing open... They died...", "the condition of some of them... This Fallen Angel", "I didn't have the chance... Without warning", "It... Grinned at me.", etc. Remember an ellipses indicates a pause, not a completely new sentence. The proceeding words should only be capitalized if they are a proper noun or the start of a new sentence. That being said, you may want to cut back on your use of ellipses as it really weakens the 'dramatic pause' effect you were looking for by using it 15+ times.) issues, there were quite a lot of plot problems here. Story issues: First and foremost, you violated the spinoff rules by randomly adding in the Rake. Additionally your use directly creates a plothole in your story as you say that all this was caused by geologists in 2009 ("To make a long story short, some geologists bust into a cave in 2009 and find a large metal container.") As the Rake story features him all-throughout history, this seems like a pretty big issue as there really seems to be no evidence to support the idea that he's this demon. It comes off as name-dropping. You could have subbed it out with Slenderman and had no impact on your story and it would still not support their inclusion in yours through any evidence. Additionally, I'm confused how geologist come across a massive box in a random cave that's the size of Manhattan. How exactly does that go unnoticed as that would make the cave massive if it can be hidden all of these years? I'm also wondering how they were able to cut it open, but demons on the other side were too weak (yet some are strong enough to resist military-grade weapons and tear people apart with their bare hands) to open it themselves. Story issues cont.: I'm sorry, but there is little to the story here. You spend a lot of time setting up the categories and the organization, but there's no real driving plot. The best example of this is the ending. "I was hit by several large chunks of rock, and the last thing I saw was two police officers dragging me away from the tunnel, before my vision faded." As I read that, I almost thought that you forgot a few paragraphs where there's the conclusion to that story, but I quickly realized you meant for that to serve as the ending, which makes it pretty lackluster. There's really no characterization to the protagonist other than him wading through 2000 year-old feces and taking potshots at the reboot of Ghostbusters. I know you're looking for a quirky character, but if that's their only trait and there's no development or backstory given to them, they come off as one dimensional. Story issues end: Why should the audience focus/read about this character when all he really does is set up the organization and then get instantly trounced by a Fallen Angel after a few paragraphs of an encounter. I'm assuming you want this to be a series, but the way the character focuses on the backstory and origin of the organization and doesn't really tell a story of his own makes it seem like this is the bio for an SCP-like organization and not an actual story. I'm sorry but nine minutes was all I needed to realize this story had a lot of issues and was not up to our quality standards. I would suggest really fleshing out this idea more rather than just giving us the first chapter and calling it a complete work. I'd also advise using the writer's workshop as you seem to have overlooked a number of issues in plot, punctuation, and capitalization that really detracted from your story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:16, May 29, 2016 (UTC) :Uh, my issue with the Rake is that there's nothing in the original story to suggest that he's in league with any faction in yours. Might wanna read this one again: "As the Rake story features him all-throughout history, this seems like a pretty big issue as there really seems to be no evidence to support the idea that he's this demon. It comes off as name-dropping. You could have subbed it out with Slenderman and had no impact on your story and it would still not support their inclusion in yours through any evidence." However you're free to deflect any criticism, but I'll let you know that it really won't help out the numerous issues present in your story. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:28, May 29, 2016 (UTC) ::"What exactly was wring with my story? I mean it was up for less than five minutes.", "I don't think such a sudden deletion with no explanation was warrented. (sic) SarcasticDragon (talk) 03:55, May 29, 2016 (UTC)", ::"Had you paid more attention, I specifically noted that The Rake had escaped prior to this from a separate cell. Given that you failed to notice that, it's hard for me to take your advice seriously." As for being condescending, sorry I came off that way, but I'm not going to sugarcoat a story that has a lot of problems when the author is immediately trying to discredit/disregard me before I even give my reasonings for deleting the story by assuming I didn't read it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:38, May 29, 2016 (UTC) :::I'd say the fact that "the character focuses on the backstory and origin of the organization and doesn't really tell a story of his own makes it seem like this is the bio for an SCP-like organization and not an actual story." is a much larger issue as the Rake thing won't be accepted (see spinoff link) as it doesn't really make the story standalone. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:09, May 29, 2016 (UTC)